Men Decoded

Why Do Men Fantasize About Sex With Women Other Than Their Partners?

It’s the age old problem, men will pass up the nice girl in lieu of pursuing the hot girl. Then they wonder why they get burned when the hot girl falls for the “hotter” guy later on. But do they learn? Hell no. They do it over and over again. And on the rare occasion that they get and keep the hot girl, or settle for the nice girl, it isn’t long before they’re off pursuing another conquest.

Why is this, because they’re stupid? Well, yes and no. Let me explain. 

It’s mostly biology. That is not an excuse, it’s a fact. And I am not trying to exonerate the behavior, I am only trying to enlighten you as to why it happens. For all our so called evolution and sophistication, human beings are still, at our core, driven by the same baser instincts as our ancestors.

 

If you, as a woman think you’re immune: how many times have you checked out the guy in the fancy car or who you just learned is a high-roller in the financial world?

 

 

 

You may find yourself less concerned with appearance than with more practical matters, such as what kind of lifestyle he could provide or the exotic vacations you might be able to enjoy together. 

This all goes back to women seeking a stable partner who will be able to defend and provide for the family. Even if you don’t plan on having kids or already have them, the rich, mysterious, successful guy is intriguing. If he’s good looking so much the better. But that may not be your priority.

For men, the primordial instincts are also still at play, but very different ones. He doesn’t care how much you earn, if you’re a successful business woman, have a great ride or a second home on the Riviera. He is more attracted by your appearance. Why? Because his hard-wired programming tells him to seek and mate with women who have good physical proportions, thereby able to pass on strong, healthy genes, carry a child to full term and who are able to deliver adequate milk while nursing. These of course all occur below the conscious mind.

While his mating instincts are seeking the aforementioned attributes, he’s thinking, “great butt, soft, shiny hair and skin, full, supple breasts" and so on. 

So, once he finds and marries that perfect woman, (which might be you), why does he eventually get bored and begin sneaking around?

 

 

Because, that is also part of his natural programming. You see, Nature doesn’t care if you’re married, engaged, have children already, or a marital contract. All Nature is concerned with is perpetuating the species. That is accomplished through testosterone and sex drive. Men are driven to have as many partners as possible. Yes, if most men could, they would have two, three or more women to mate with.

On a practical level of course, that would be a disaster for him, because he would then have to buy houses for each one, have kids with each one and keep them all sexually and economically satisfied. He’d be too worn out to enjoy his harem. But nonetheless, his little head tells him, this would be the greatest thing ever! That is until his current partner finds out about the other one(s), then suddenly, he declares the whole thing was a mistake.. 

Movies like “Fatal Attraction” shocked many men, by revealing what could really happen when they allow their “little head” to do the thinking. For some, this was enough to scare them straight. But for most males the lure of the next sexual conquest is so strong, they cannot resist it. The future of the entire human race depends on them pollinating as many flowers as possible, (or so instinct leads them to believe). It may not be fair, you may not like it, but this is the real psychology behind cheaters and womanizers.

So, it sounds pretty hopeless for women seeking a good man that will be faithful. Right? No, not necessarily. It all comes down to maturity. We all have these biological drives and desires and if allowed to rule our lives, they will get us in trouble every time. The mature man, (and woman), realizes this and is aware of his programming, but chooses a higher calling. Men who have spent extended periods as bachelors, having partner after partner, living for sex and conquest, describe the monotony of it all. Eventually he comes to a point where he can’t remember the names, the experiences, the scents, the feelings. It eventually all runs together and adds up to nothing. At the end of the day, he’s alone, with no one to care for and no one who cares for him. Sex becomes a recreational activity he uses to drown out the hollow sound of his own loneliness and the insignificance of his life. 

But, unfortunately, many men need to have a period like this in their lives, to realize that it leads nowhere. Until then, they fantasize about new, exciting, sexual adventures and allow themselves to be led by their hormones rather than their rational mind.

Other factors to keep in mind are:  men, like women, become stressed with all their responsibilities, they lament the loss of their hair and their youth, etc. Unlike women however, that cannot kibitz about it with their friends. Men have trouble opening up. If they try to talk to their buddies about their issues, they’ll just get shut down:

“Dude, I’m not your therapist. Chin up and deal!" 

The only other outlets they have are team sports or drinking with their buddies to dull the pain. But these only provide short term relief. An affair on the other hand boosts their ego, gets their mind off of everyday annoyances and gives them someone to talk to besides their wife or girlfriend, who they are loathe to confide in out of fear that they will be judged. 

If you are a woman seeking a man who will see and value your unique qualities, you must narrow your search to men who have sowed their oats, learned from the experience and have chosen meaning over serial conquest.

Additionally, you want one who has done a fair amount of living and found more effective ways of dealing with his stress.

OK, maybe not him, but you know what I mean. 

He needs to have hobbies or passions that occupy his mind and transport him from the trials of daily life. How to identify such a man takes time and practice. If you’re getting serious, ask a lot of questions, listen carefully to his answers. People will tell you all you need to know, if you give them enough time.

If you’re currently with a man who seems to be losing interest in you, there may be nothing you can do. But if he has positive traits that you value, you might want to try to keep him around. Evaluate the stimulation of your relationship.

 

 

Has sex become perfunctory? Have you allowed your appearance to decline? Perhaps he just needs mental stimulation. Consider an activity you can do together that will bring more joy and intimacy into your lives. 

 

 

 

Men will always be visual creatures and will be fighting their urge to look at a sexy girl walking by, whether they’re 17 or 70. Just because he does, doesn’t mean he’s falling out of love with you. You may love the man, but don’t forget his animal nature. Both of you will struggle to find a balance between these disparate poles. When the two of you finally reach that understanding and you come to accept his wandering eye, he will be more willing to support your passion for shoes, purses and jewelry. 

-Shane Mathias

Please also check out my other blog on strategies for living with more happiness: The Happiness Tree

If you would like to send a question or comment about your personal struggles with men or about something you read here, please send them to: Shane Mathias. I'll do my best to answer every message.

A New Forum for Women to Learn About the Men in Their Lives

Thank you for visiting Men Decoded. The goal of this content is to enlighten women on the sometimes confusing behavior of men, what drives them, how they think, how to pick a good one and how to create and maintain a great relationship with them. 

We will enjoy a no-holds-barred discussion that covers every topic from sex to finances, work to psychology. I look forward to receiving your questions and feedback.

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Please also enjoy my other blog: The Happiness Tree

Thank you,

Shane Mathias

 

A Prophet Speaks to Women on the Nature of Men

In a small rural village, word spread that a man had arrived, seemingly out of no where, claiming to be a Prophet. People began asking him questions regarding the mysteries of life and he revealed many truths and enlightened many souls with his words. 

One woman in the crowd, who was coming of age to be wed asked the wise man: "Tell me of Men. Why do their ways seem so strange?" 

 

 

The people gathered there first began to laugh at her question, but quickly became quiet as the sage proceeded to reveal the inner Nature of Men. 

The Prophet said:

"Men are very much the same today, as they were one-hundred thousand years ago. Nature has instilled them with an ability to focus keenly on an objective. Their passions are powerful and when they set their intention on something or someone, they can expend limitless energy in the achievement of their goals. This quality of passion served man well in earlier times, when food had to be hunted, when his sexual drive was not limited by societal restraints and when his home needed to be protected from marauders and neighboring tribes. The successful man of that time honed his warlike skills, cared for his weapons and provided for his family. 

Humankind began spreading out and covering the globe about ten-thousand years ago and competition for land, game and women became fierce. Concurrently, in many parts of the world, agriculture was being developed. It was now possible not only to have grains and vegetables available for an entire village, some of the harvest could feed livestock, making hunting and foraging skills virtually obsolete. 

 

 

Soon, it became clear that some men now had the time and inclination to develop different skills, such as painting stories on cave walls, innovating ways to communicate with symbols and creating valuable items for trade to neighboring villages. Yet most men found it difficult to live this new settled life. In their dreams they imagined themselves still bravely hunting wild game and defeating other warriors. To them, this was their one and only purpose, their inner drive was to conquer, to become strong and admired.

 

Today, the descendants of these men are still amongst us. They seek competition, battle and glory but society and laws constrain this type of behavior. So men must find other outlets to satisfy their deepest desires. They play and watch games of simulated war, they purchase weapons to hunt down animals, even when food is plentiful, they buy fast machines in an effort to compete with one another, they lift heavy weights over and over, building their muscles in an attempt to appear intimidating, they act out in all sorts aggressive ways to address what their deep biological programming dictates. Some even feel the need to leave their family, job and home to fight in far away lands, without fully understanding the nature of the conflict. 

These are the baser instincts of men. They are for the most part admirable traits that have allowed mankind to endure many challenges over the millennia, yet still thrive. These are the qualities that compel men to rush into a burning building, when common sense would suggest to run the other way. Yet they proceed without fear or concern for their personal safety, driven by the chance to save another life. These are the firemen, the police, the security guards, the men who wield tons of steel every day at dizzying heights, to construct massive buildings where many live and work.

 

 

These are the heroes of all kinds that rise aloft on wings of courage. 

 

But those same qualities of competition and willingness to confront danger may compel some men to commit crimes, to injure or kill others out of anger or frustration. This is the nefarious side of glory: seeking to injure or eliminate through violence, perceived opponents: individuals or groups who represent oppression (a type of passive war).This is what happens when a young man's  energy is not channeled and encouraged by lessons and example to be utilized in the pursuit of good rather than evil.

Many of the men you see around you today are decendents of early warriors, hunters and defenders. But evolution has tamed the warlike nature of some men. In fact, so much so that they have begun to acquire more feminine characteristics. Society's imperative to rein in the aggressiveness of men has resulted in new strains of the male gender that are suited to more intellectual pursuits and some that are just plain lazy. The rise of women in the home and place of work has also had a dampening effect on the collective psyche of men. Many quietly wonder if they are becoming obsolete in a world where women can even bare children without having a man in their lives. Men are complicit in this -  handing over their seed in exchange for a small remuneration, unwittingly relegating man-kind to even greater irrelevance. 

Young lady, when you decide to settle down with a man, remember, deep inside of him resides his warlike ancestors. Much of his mysterious behavior results from his lack of control over his own deep impulses. He is in many ways, like a wild beast who has been forced to don the trappings of civility for generations. He struggles, he copes, yet sometimes his instincts get the better of him. Yet he is quite simple and pure of heart.

Treat him with respect, admire and encourage his demonstrations of strength and restraint. Feed his passions with good food and boundless affection and with any luck, he will find the right balance between the warrior that he was and the gentleman he is trying to become."

 

 

-S.E. Mathias

I would love to know if you enjoyed this article, how it may have helped you, what country you are living in and what aspects of the human experience you might like me to write about.

You can contact me via email find me on Facebook or Tweet me on Twitter. Please feel free to pass along a link to my blog to your friends and family and check back frequently for fresh, enlightening posts on Sustainable Happiness.

- Shane