It’s the age old problem, men will pass up the nice girl in lieu of pursuing the hot girl. Then they wonder why they get burned when the hot girl falls for the “hotter” guy later on. But do they learn? Hell no. They do it over and over again. And on the rare occasion that they get and keep the hot girl, or settle for the nice girl, it isn’t long before they’re off pursuing another conquest.
Why is this, because they’re stupid? Well, yes and no. Let me explain.
It’s mostly biology. That is not an excuse, it’s a fact. And I am not trying to exonerate the behavior, I am only trying to enlighten you as to why it happens. For all our so called evolution and sophistication, human beings are still, at our core, driven by the same baser instincts as our ancestors.
If you, as a woman think you’re immune: how many times have you checked out the guy in the fancy car or who you just learned is a high-roller in the financial world?
You may find yourself less concerned with appearance than with more practical matters, such as what kind of lifestyle he could provide or the exotic vacations you might be able to enjoy together.
This all goes back to women seeking a stable partner who will be able to defend and provide for the family. Even if you don’t plan on having kids or already have them, the rich, mysterious, successful guy is intriguing. If he’s good looking so much the better. But that may not be your priority.
For men, the primordial instincts are also still at play, but very different ones. He doesn’t care how much you earn, if you’re a successful business woman, have a great ride or a second home on the Riviera. He is more attracted by your appearance. Why? Because his hard-wired programming tells him to seek and mate with women who have good physical proportions, thereby able to pass on strong, healthy genes, carry a child to full term and who are able to deliver adequate milk while nursing. These of course all occur below the conscious mind.
While his mating instincts are seeking the aforementioned attributes, he’s thinking, “great butt, soft, shiny hair and skin, full, supple breasts" and so on.
So, once he finds and marries that perfect woman, (which might be you), why does he eventually get bored and begin sneaking around?
Because, that is also part of his natural programming. You see, Nature doesn’t care if you’re married, engaged, have children already, or a marital contract. All Nature is concerned with is perpetuating the species. That is accomplished through testosterone and sex drive. Men are driven to have as many partners as possible. Yes, if most men could, they would have two, three or more women to mate with.
On a practical level of course, that would be a disaster for him, because he would then have to buy houses for each one, have kids with each one and keep them all sexually and economically satisfied. He’d be too worn out to enjoy his harem. But nonetheless, his little head tells him, this would be the greatest thing ever! That is until his current partner finds out about the other one(s), then suddenly, he declares the whole thing was a mistake..
Movies like “Fatal Attraction” shocked many men, by revealing what could really happen when they allow their “little head” to do the thinking. For some, this was enough to scare them straight. But for most males the lure of the next sexual conquest is so strong, they cannot resist it. The future of the entire human race depends on them pollinating as many flowers as possible, (or so instinct leads them to believe). It may not be fair, you may not like it, but this is the real psychology behind cheaters and womanizers.
So, it sounds pretty hopeless for women seeking a good man that will be faithful. Right? No, not necessarily. It all comes down to maturity. We all have these biological drives and desires and if allowed to rule our lives, they will get us in trouble every time. The mature man, (and woman), realizes this and is aware of his programming, but chooses a higher calling. Men who have spent extended periods as bachelors, having partner after partner, living for sex and conquest, describe the monotony of it all. Eventually he comes to a point where he can’t remember the names, the experiences, the scents, the feelings. It eventually all runs together and adds up to nothing. At the end of the day, he’s alone, with no one to care for and no one who cares for him. Sex becomes a recreational activity he uses to drown out the hollow sound of his own loneliness and the insignificance of his life.
But, unfortunately, many men need to have a period like this in their lives, to realize that it leads nowhere. Until then, they fantasize about new, exciting, sexual adventures and allow themselves to be led by their hormones rather than their rational mind.
Other factors to keep in mind are: men, like women, become stressed with all their responsibilities, they lament the loss of their hair and their youth, etc. Unlike women however, that cannot kibitz about it with their friends. Men have trouble opening up. If they try to talk to their buddies about their issues, they’ll just get shut down:
“Dude, I’m not your therapist. Chin up and deal!"
The only other outlets they have are team sports or drinking with their buddies to dull the pain. But these only provide short term relief. An affair on the other hand boosts their ego, gets their mind off of everyday annoyances and gives them someone to talk to besides their wife or girlfriend, who they are loathe to confide in out of fear that they will be judged.
If you are a woman seeking a man who will see and value your unique qualities, you must narrow your search to men who have sowed their oats, learned from the experience and have chosen meaning over serial conquest.
Additionally, you want one who has done a fair amount of living and found more effective ways of dealing with his stress.
OK, maybe not him, but you know what I mean.
He needs to have hobbies or passions that occupy his mind and transport him from the trials of daily life. How to identify such a man takes time and practice. If you’re getting serious, ask a lot of questions, listen carefully to his answers. People will tell you all you need to know, if you give them enough time.
If you’re currently with a man who seems to be losing interest in you, there may be nothing you can do. But if he has positive traits that you value, you might want to try to keep him around. Evaluate the stimulation of your relationship.
Has sex become perfunctory? Have you allowed your appearance to decline? Perhaps he just needs mental stimulation. Consider an activity you can do together that will bring more joy and intimacy into your lives.
Men will always be visual creatures and will be fighting their urge to look at a sexy girl walking by, whether they’re 17 or 70. Just because he does, doesn’t mean he’s falling out of love with you. You may love the man, but don’t forget his animal nature. Both of you will struggle to find a balance between these disparate poles. When the two of you finally reach that understanding and you come to accept his wandering eye, he will be more willing to support your passion for shoes, purses and jewelry.
-Shane Mathias
Please also check out my other blog on strategies for living with more happiness: The Happiness Tree
If you would like to send a question or comment about your personal struggles with men or about something you read here, please send them to: Shane Mathias. I'll do my best to answer every message.